This is a question I've been asking myself lately. Some of you know that I have been going through difficult times lately, both financially and emotionally. I have tried to write about this several times now and haven't been able to, always rewriting posts to be about some other, non-personal subject. I think this is because I'm honestly not entirely sure how to answer this question. We all, I especially, want to be respected. I like to be viewed as the teacher, the one with all the answers. However this is a question that I struggle with. Obviously we rely on God for everything, this is easy to say when one knows how it will be provided. 'I rely on God for my rent payment' and he provided through my paycheck. As a child I might 'rely on God' for my food and clothing and he provided through my parents. I find that he still provides through my parents much more than I would like.
However, it is much more difficult to say 'I rely on God for my rent payment' when I'm really not sure where its going to come from. It is painful to realize that my faith often extends only as far as the reach of my arm. I wish I could say that I never fail in faith, that I am always confident that God will provide whatever I need, but the knowledge in my mind all to often fails to reach my heart. I 'know' that God will provide, just as I 'know' that he has me here for a reason, God knows my path before I walk it and he knows the currents of my heart before they ever shift. However, what I know so often fails to inform what I believe, while I 'know' that God will provide for my needs I look at my checking account and think 'I am so screwed.' The knowledge and the belief fail to meet one another.
I find this frustrating to no end because, much as I try, I am often at a loss for how to correct it. I do believe that I am growing, or at least I hope, but my struggle if far from over. So I ask, what does it mean to be a Christian in hard times? Am I really any different from anyone else dealing with these difficulties? I know that I should trust God, rely on him and know that everything works out for God for those who love him and do his will. However I find that when I look at my bank statement, or my credit card bill, or any of my other bills, my faith often fades away and is replaced by desperation.
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It sounds like you are struggling with relating to God. On the one hand you are relating to him academically yet you want to connect with God in your heart as well. You want to feel like you love God and you want to serve him. Serving God out of the knowledge that you are supposed to is not the same thing. It is done out of duty and obligation rather than the action coming from the heart. Knowledge is one way to gain power and respect. It sounds like you have much knowledge about theology my friend. What I'm not hearing is the practical application of that knowledge that you aquired because you love God. Feelings do in fact come and go. A person who has been married many years can tell you that there are times you feel like you can't stand your spouse, you want to be left alone, etc. But under all of those fleeting emotions, there is still love. Scripture does not elevate knowledge of him over love. Granted, the more time you spend with someone and get to know them the more you love them. But you also learn to trust them as well. I'm hearing you say you trust you will receive your paycheck. You trust you can go to your parents if needed. Those are valid beliefs. However, it sounds like your asking how can you learn to trust in God. What would trusting in God to provide mean for you? It could mean several things. You could conceivably walk into work one day and get promoted and get a raise. Would it be because you trusted in God? You could get a phone call saying you won the lottery. Would that be because you trusted in God? I think trusting in God means you step out on faith. What would that look like? Would that mean sending out resumes for a position that uses some of the knowledge you have? Would it make you uncomfortable to do so? I find that we tend to grow not necessarily where we're planted but when we are in an uncomfortable situation and we turn to God to take care of it. It means leaving our comfort zone and going through some discomfort. It may mean looking for a new position using your unique skill set for better pay. But boy that would take work and you already have a job and you don't know if that's what God wants you to do. It could mean finding a smaller place to live. Or it may mean getting a slightly larger place and getting a roommate. But you don't know if that's what God wants. So in the end we do nothing. It's much more comfortable to stay where it's familiar. But keep in mind that at some point you may need to step out on faith, pray, search the Word and your heart and see where it leads. THAT is relying on God. It requires you to do something. In this case, trust is a verb which means it is an action. Faith, hope, & belief are synonyms for trust. There is a balance between knowledge and emotion. The fact that these are all synonyms of each other is something to think about. Don't allow Satan to confuse you or bring you to the point of despair. Remember, it's not just about you but about what Satan would like to do to your relationship with God. Through Christ you CAN have hope when you look at your bank statement, credit card bills, etc. What action do you plan on taking?
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